It’s Hallowecommerce. Be afraid, be mildly afraid.

It’s Hallowecommerce. Be afraid, be mildly afraid. blog

By Mark E. Ting

Screamail marketing | WhatsApp witchcraft

Updated on December 7, 2022

Customer acquisition costs, unsubscribe rates, abandoned cartsThe most terrifying words in ecommerce today 😱? But you like scary don’t you?

 

We wanted to scare you. To think of something so horrifying, you could barely look at the screen but had to, through your fingers, because you kind of liked it 🫣

 

Then we realized that we don’t need to scare you. You’re already scared. Ecommerce has become a zombie graveyard full of terrifying terminology that stumbles around and raises the hairs on your neck faster than you can mumble, “Do you like scary movies?”

 

But we still like scary movies.

 

So we invite you to join us in our special screening of three budget-curdling, goal-curling Hallowecommerce classics. Like most old horror movies, on a second watch, with someone holding your hand, you realize they’re not so scary after all.

 

 

 

Cacula@4x

 

The Rise of CACula

The notorious fanged monster is rising to suck the budgets out of you.

 

Again. 

 

There’s no getting away from the CAC.

 

The scourge of ecommerce managers and D2C brands everywhere.

 

Countless nights of sleep have been clawed away by this beast, and as complexity increases, algorithms become more esoteric and the global thirst for

 

bottom lines grows… 

 

1-2

image 493

 

It costs nothing to move customers into your WhatsApp channel. And once you have them there, you have them forever. Muhahahahaha 😈

 

Abandoned Cart_small

 

Night of the Abandoned Cart

On a dark lonely checkout page, on the outskirts of your website, sits the most frightening of all Hallowecommerce nightmares. 

 

The abandoned cart. 

 

It’s got socks in it. And pants. 

 

And the tattered remains of the summer collection you’re desperate to get rid of so you can finally move on. 

 

And it sits there, alone, for eternity. Never to be touched again. 

 

Not a click, not a tap, not a cent.

 

Nothing.

 

And the scariest part of all? 

 

2-1image 493

 

With WhatsApp, you’re always there when your customers need you. With a friendly word, an encouraging answer, a link to the product, a reason to buy. That’s all it takes to get the cart to the order page. So no cart ever has to be left alone and vulnerable again.

 

Unsubscriber_small-1

 

The Email Unsubscriber Massacre

The worst for last.

 

One dark November night, you sent an email.

 

A Black Friday email.

 

Your boss said it was the most important email of the year.

 

You were hungover and missed some things.

 

It was way too long.

 

You used the pre-header from last week’s email.

 

The subject line sucked.

 

You left in {personalized} where their name should have been.

 

It looked terrible on mobile.

 

You linked one of the product CTAs to your Tinder profile.

 

When you saw the results, you breathed again.

 

The click-through rates were good. 

 

97%.

 

But then you saw what they had all clicked on.

 

Unsubscribe.

 

And now they’re gone.

 

3-1

image 493

 

No more email. No more unsubscribers. In WhatsApp they can have a conversation with you in the bright light of a messaging app. And you never have to A/B test a subject line again.

 

 

Next year, join us for more KPI-chilling classics like:

 

Spam@4x_small

 

Or not. Because by then we aim to make these things not scary anymore.

 

Wishing you a Horrifying Halloween 🎃

 



 

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